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The Final Adventure of Kevin #3


May 27th, 1977 --- The sun was shining on this military afternoon as Kevin #3 embarked on his last heroic quest...

After disposing of The Teflon Earwig, Kevin #3 received a distressing phone call from his former colleague, Toupee Face. Word had it that the late Roscor Fornicator had left an heir to his evil empire after all. But before I name that heir, let me give you a brief history of Roscor Fornicator and his legacy.

Back in the day, Roscor Fornicator and his evil ally, Nazi Face, created the Cystic Fibrosis Leisure Suit. The suit found vast popularity at ski lodges where its wearers believed it to be quite fashionable, even though it ultimately left them suffering from Cystic Fibrosis - a congenital disease of the mucous glands throughout the body resulting in disorders of the pancreas and lungs. No one is sure why Roscor and Nazi developed such dastardly apparel, but friends of the two have claimed they overheard it was merely a gag gift item gone wrong. But now the days of Roscor and his ilk are over. Kevin #3 and his Squadron Of Nice Folks put an end to their reign of terror - or had they? According to Toupee Face's phone call, a new player was on the scene... 8 Leg Pleaser!

Kevin #3 arranged to meet Toupee Face at the inaugural game of the NAACP Ice Hockey League, just in case either of their accommodations had been bugged.
"Okay Toupee, what's the tip?" Kevin #3 asked.
"Well Kev3, I just received the schematics from Templeton Pretty Fingers. Seems that 8 Leg Pleaser is planning to pick up where Roscor and crew left off. Rumor is, 8 Leg is in league with Do Not trust Herbert, and their plan involves New And Improved Cystic Fibrosis Leisure Suits, as well as something called Mosh Pit '93."
"Hmm, looks like this 8 Leg Pleaser's got their eye on the future..." Kevin #3 commented.
"You ain't just talkin'. And it looks like this time the evil activities are aimed toward the booming ski industry in Michigan."
"But Michigan is illegal!" Kevin #3 shouted.
"I know, I know Kev3. That's why we're calling in The Florida Specialist!"
"Whoa, do you really think that's necessary?" Kevin #3 questioned.
"The secretary thinks so, and you know how I- Hey Kev3, the second period is over, we've got a plane to catch!"
Half an hour later Kevin #3 and Toupee Face are en route to meet The Florida Specialist.
"Hey, they're showing A Clockwork Porridge. I love this movie!" Kevin #3 said nicely.
"Yeah Kev3, The Porridge Friends are the best."

Time Warp --- 10 years later, The Artist Formally Popular As Prince is playing on the transistor radio held in the palm of The Florida Specialist's hand. At this point, narrational duties get passed along to Mr. Specialist. This is done because he just happened to be relating this section of the story to a buddy of his, so I'm gonna take a little rest and let him talk a bit.
"So okay, Kevin #3 and Toupee Face get off their plane. They walk down the runway thingy and see me standin' there in all my glory. I looks over to Stomach Behind Him and give him the signal. BOOM! The bomb goes off and there's shrapnel flyin' everywhere. A bunch of it slices up Toupee Face makin' him a Toupee Filet. Yeah so then, no - Kevin #3 shielded the blast somehow, I dunno how. And so then he dives at me, grabs the legs and all of a sudden I ain't vertical, ya know? Then this bright yellow light comes shinin' forth in beautiful exuberance, and I'm laughin'. Kevin #3 looks up and sees 8 Leg Pleaser for the first time in his life, and you know you can smell the fear, right? And 8 Leg's not known for mercy, yeah. But what does 8 Leg Pleaser do? Bends down and offers Kevin #3 a hand. Whatta moment..."
Okay, that's enough of The Florida Specialist's banter, I'm rested and ready to tell all of you the climax and conclusion of this tale.

Time Warp --- 1993.
*The worlds first Test Tube Parents have a bouncing baby boy (literally).
*The biography of Roscor Fornicator is on the New York Times best sellers list for the 6th month in a row.
*8 Leg Pleaser's patented New & Improved Cystic Fibrosis Leisure Suits are all the rage on the Grunge scene.
*Conditions have ripened for Mosh Pit '93.

In a bright yellow room, a groggy, dizzy, disheveled Kevin #3 ate his creamed corn as usual, but not really. For on this day his consciousness finally won the 16 year battle against whatever evil spell 8 Leg Pleaser had cursed him with. Memories flooded his brain like a river with too much water would flood things. The Florida Specialist's treachery, the explosion... If Kevin #3 had not possessed his secret Kevin #3 power, he would have ended up like poor Toupee Face. The double-cross by The Florida Specialist wasn't hard to swallow. Mercenaries of his kind are loyal to whomever pays the highest price in instant lottery tickets. Looks like 8 Leg Pleaser got lucky.
"Oh well, what's done is done, and who's dead is dead." Kevin #3 spoke aloud.
Yet Kevin #3 had no idea how long he'd been under 8 Leg Pleaser's spell (drug). All he knew was that he must stop the evil scheming of 8 Leg Pleaser; Mosh Pit '93 must not be allowed to happen!!! Not too far from Kevin #3, in another bright yellow room, sat 8 Leg Pleaser.
"Hmm, seems that my evil is about to raise to a new level!" bellowed 8 Leg Pleaser. "Mosh Pit '93 is nearly a reality! Everyone, come gather 'round the TV."
Stomach Behind Him, Do Not Trust Herbert, and the rest of the gang gathered 'round as per the request of their boss. The television was set to channel 4, and as we all know, channel 4 will always be NBC. Dick Clark's Grunge-A-Thon was being telecast worldwide, but little did the world know that Mosh Pit '93 was almost at hand.
"Not so fastly, 8 Leg Pleaser!" commanded Kevin #3.
"Ah, if it isn't our little house guest, Kevin #3. Have a nice nap?" retorted 8 Leg Pleaser.
"None of that Wazzu out of you Pleaser, I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna stop you from implementing Mosh Pit '93 and from creating New And Improved Cystic Fibrosis Leisure Suits, even if it means the rest of my life!" cried Kevin #3.
"Well it may have. But seeing as how you've been in a catatonic state for the last 16 years I doubt you have much life left. Besides, Mosh Pit '93 is about to happen, now, and there's nothing you can do about it." retorted again 8 Leg Pleaser.
"Oh yeah?" rhetoricalized Kevin #3.

Kevin #3 pressed his fingers to his temples and summoned all of Kevin #3 power. Sensing that Mosh Pit '93 had something to do with the event on the television set, Kevin #3 focused his energy there (well not on the TV itself, but on the actual location of the event which Kevin #3 sensed through the satellite transmission beams or something*). Do Not Trust Herbert, noticing a change in momentum of the storyline, ran over to Kevin #3 to offer moral support.

Location Warp --- Dick Clark's Grunge-A-Thon, where a bunch of bare-chested, highly adrenalized, teenage males were about to make the conscious decision to start a mosh pit. Pearl Jam was about to begin the second song of their set (a ska version of 'alive') when a slight tremor passed through the earth. Thousands of miles away, Kevin #3 was bleeding from all of his orifices thanks to his tremendous effort. The tremor continued at the grunge concert, it was mild - few people noticed it, but it was enough to send an already teetering microphone stand crashing to the ground. The result was a second or two of annoying feedback that completely broke the mood of the would-be moshers.

-Jump back to 8 Leg Pleaser's Lair-
"Oh crumb and junk!" 8 Leg Pleaser screamed. "Why'd you have to go and do that you dirty doorknob!? Crimminy!" 8 Leg Pleaser stomped around the room and kicked the furniture. "Kevin #3 you ruin all that is good! I do not like you!"
"Well I guess my work here is done." calmly stated the bloody and bleeding Kevin #3. "You see 8 Leg Pleaser, your evil has lead only to disappointment. Think about that sometime. I'll be getting on my way now, and if any of you try to stop me, I'll use my Kevin #3 power on you. Bye now." And so out strutted a triumphant Kevin #3.

Epilogue --- To date, 8 Leg Pleaser has yet to attempt any more evil. The Legislature had passed New And Improved Cystic Fibrosis Leisure Suits into legality at the same time Michigan was legalized, that was back in '82 for all you youngsters. So, from the profits of that and the rights to the Roscor Fornicator biography, as well as the Nazi Face Theme Park, 8 Leg Pleaser is a wealthy and happy individual, despite the Mosh Pit '93 failure.

On the other hand, Kevin #3 has sunk into virtual obscurity. Rumor has it that he still has a taste for creamed corn from his captive years and he still bleeds from all of his orifices. I heard that The Squadron Of Nice Folks offered him a job in their Munich branch, but he was just too proud.

Anyway, all's well that ends well, so just pretend that the story ended with Kevin #3 strutting triumphantly out of the bright yellow 8 Leg Pleaser lair, and off into a sunset or something, happily ever after. Thank you and good night.

* Gesticular emissions may be implemented to augment illusionary feedback.
Contrarily, negative waveforms may dilute the linear decibel extract, therefore the
axis-glide of the intrameter is elongated to account for the base pair discrepancy.